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An Irish Toast:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." Mary said: "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To be a Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000.
You've done very well so far,'
said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
but for a million pounds you've only got one
life-line left - phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick, 'I'll have a go!'
Question: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?"
a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo
'I haven't got a clue,'
said Mick,' so, I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.'
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.......' Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin' sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.'
Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'
"Because he lives in a Fookin' clock!!"

****************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you
have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

****************************

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone's
got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul
Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,
don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband
just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

****************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have
ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf.'

****************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But
where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least
go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

****************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

****************************

Golf and the Leprechaun

An Australian golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his back, with a big bump
on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the Golfer said.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answered in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise.' And he walked away.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun said to himself. 'I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things I would want . . . a great golf game, all the money
he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year went by, and the golfer came back. On the same hole, he again hit a bad
drive into the woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
'T'was me that made ye hit the ball here' the little guy said.
'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer replied. 'I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He then added, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

Why,it's just wonderful!' the golfer answered. 'When I need cash,
I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's your sex life?'

The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, 'It's OK.'
'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What?' responded the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' said the golfer, 'I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

****************************

Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank
robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &
valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the
bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a small
Bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we
ll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quie t exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

' IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

****************************

So, Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off
their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
fuckin' boat

****************************

A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. "Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes" He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."

****************************

Four Irishmen were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a civil servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.

Then the three men turned to the civil servant and said, "What can your dog do?" The civil servant called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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